Saturday, September 08, 2007
listening to: sunday by bloc party.
the questions just won't stop coming. bouncing from one side of my mind to the other, exhibiting the whole spectrum of worries i've been bottling up.
what happens now? what pulled you to me? was it just because...? what will keep us bonded? how will you change? how will i change? what happens if...? what happens when...? why did this happen? why didn't you...? when will i stop crying? how do i stop...? why did i get so attached? how did you get me so...? do you...? when will i next...? did you really mean it? why do i miss you so much? where do we stand?i've been feeling sorry for myself.
always one for cynicism when it comes to affairs of the heart, i've been pleasantly forced to change my opinion on the matter. it took the most unlikely person, always right there though, to make me see different. ironic how things always appear when you're not looking for them, things that were right under your nose.
isn't life a bitch?
two days and counting. my approach to dealing with this is by eating my empty little heart out and throwing myself into stupendous mountains of work, thankfully and gratefully provided for me by the IB course. gee whizz. i think its time for one of those hibernation periods from the drama queen herself. chocolate cake and japanese galore. i've been told the solution is to "get completely piss drunk" but i'm not for that anymore. i'd much rather eat myself silly and work myself to the bone. fatty, fatty, boom a-latty.
a lot has happened in such a short space of time. to fall, to love, to learn, to smile, to cry, to say goodbye - it's what makes life so goddamned beautiful, no matter how much you'll sometimes hate it. the highs wouldn't be so high if there weren't any lows.
its every little thing that i remember, that takes me back instantly to a certain memory we created. and i don't regret a single thing, no matter how much it hurts in the end. actually, is it the end? give a little to get a lot, they say.
i'm being so selfish. bah, humbug, leave me be. let me be self-absorbed and emotional for a week. if i'm still displaying the same qualities after a week, then you have the right to whine. we can all hide things. i'll learn how to given time.
positive thinking, i should tell myself. at least i have the comfort club with me. i've never been so grateful for them.
everything is right there in my mind, waiting to be said, yet somehow i can't force my fingers to type them out. i'm sure you've all felt this way before? where your mind works so fast that your fingers can't keep up. where everything is all tangled up and though you personally find it coherent, there's no way to separate the threads to make it understandable for everybody else.
so why even bother attempting to type this out.
