Saturday, July 07, 2007

listening to: nothing better by the postal service.

there are times where i seriously question my 'social enigma', as it has been referred to in the past. namely the question of how is it that i'm unable to connect with people of my own age group. i grew up no different from others my age. i had no out-of-the-ordinary experience that has forced me to change my mindset. yet though i may sometimes feel i've grown up too fast, i've come to realise that there will never be any way i can ever go back to thinking like how the general teenager thinks or acts, if i ever did at all. who knows.

obviously i'm able to get along fine with them and share many common interests on several different levels but there will be numerous times where i'm surrounded by a group of like teens and where i will take a step back and let my silence encompass me once more as i observe and find myself wondering what the hell am i doing there or even to try and get a grip on my temper. not that i'm saying there's anything wrong with them, because in fact, if there was something wrong, it'd most likely be with me instead. observing them though.. it's what i like to do; i like to watch people. (oh god, i'm a freak.) i don't know whether its snooty or haughty to say i get along better with older people, yet it's what i feel. being this way has its disadvantages, i agree. but the advantages outweigh them immensely. but this still doesn't prevent me from questioning how i got this way or why exactly do i think like this. i suppose its not for me to question the inner workings of my own mind, let alone anybody else's.

having this holiday has allowed me to escape the unnecessary drama and the irrelevant occurrences of teenagers that they love to conjure up for themselves. it has enabled me to enjoy time with people with whom i am able to act like myself, not have to hold back and where i can say what i want to say. recently though, i have met up with the people i will be sharing the next two academic years of my life with and it has brought me crashing back down from my little pedestal in my comfort zone to the brutal, sharp edges of reality. boy, have i landed right squarely on my ass with the realisation that i'll have to cope with it somehow. this time though, i won't be surrounded by my two major forces of sanity, otherwise known as my two closest friends who i am able to easily connect with in my year...

ohygosh i'm so fucked. the number of times i lose my temper is steadily going to increase, it appears.

cue the sigh as i sign off with these questions and thoughts buzzing in my head like flies around a rubbish tip. my wonderful analogies, right? early morning ramblings tend to be so confusing. i won't be surprised if i wake up this afternoon, look back on this and wonder what the hell was i on about or just how egotistical this post is.

bah, humbug.