Thursday, May 17, 2007

listening to: i got your money by odb ft. kelis.

miri? it was fantastic. my only regrets were that it was only for a night and that i must have piled on so many pounds. oh and that i didn't shop more, but i have my reasons why. plus i know i'll be going again sometime soon, so the disappointment isn't that immense. what i thought would be a shitty time turned into (so far) one of this year's best weekends.

of course i have photos (not enough though). of course i have tales. of course i have descriptions. but ...of course i'm too lazy to write it all out.

two weeks into exams and i'm managing to stay afloat, keep what little sanity i have, fuck up my sleeping schedule even more than possible. awake til dawn, sleep for a few hours, exam, come home, sleep and then wake up at night. rinse and repeat. the exams i've had so far have been relatively easy, much easier than i had anticipated. but i guess we'll know for sure when those dreaded marks come out, eh.

i was asked today whether i feel like i have a home, being a eurasian and of mixed heritage. a fairly simple and understandable question. unfortunately, it's one with a complex answer i have yet to fully grasp or realise. i'll admit, growing up, i was always slightly confused about which was my real home. the western world or asia? in asia, i am called 'white'. in western countries, i'm 'asian'. i lied to this person and replied them with the answer that no, i have always felt like i belong. that's all everybody wants deep down.. to belong, to be able to relate to other people, to have people relate to you. i'm not an outsider, i'm not.

keep telling yourself that, maybe one day it'll be true.

every cloud has its silver lining and every situation has its advantages and disadvantages, definitely including this one. i've come to accept the "ohmygosh, you're eurasian" status. i've had to stand having ridiculous preconceptions thought up about me due to my looks. i've even had to go through seeing another eurasian being called derogatory names; mudblood. mutt. luckily, growing up in an international school and surrounded by 'others like me', i've gradually realised that it doesn't matter. i still have a mom and dad and siblings who love me (or so i like to think). i still have a healthy and lovely carefree life. i've still got the boobs and ears and butt. huzzah, bitches - ain't so different now eh? haha!

it's true that home is where the heart is. and as for deciding which is my home? who says we only have to have one home. if my heart lies in two places, two different worlds, then so be it. it must mean i have two homes, making me all the more grateful because, in the end, no matter where i am in the world... due to this mixed heritage, i will never be alone. somebody i know and love, somebody of relation to me will always be close by and i could never ask for anything greater than that knowledge.