Sunday, April 22, 2007
listening to: mon couer, mon amour by anais.
feeling: disconnected.
long overdue, i know. working myself to the bone over art and various other pieces of homework, it's led me to wonder how exactly am i supposed to study if these teachers just keep on piling on the homework?
all this work has restricted my social outings and this results in me feeling... well, out of it. having been in this mode for weeks now, its led me to feeling diluted, washed out, letting everything spill over me yet not take anything in. and with its usual perfect timing, this has come at the time where i should care the most.
exams are in three weeks and i'm not stressed, i'm not scared. what does scare me though is the fact i'm not worrying, not even bothered by the fact they're rapidly approaching, closer with every passing day. i should be worried. i should be bothered. i should be nervous, stressed, scared. it leads me to question my sanity at this time, repressing those urges to just scream at everybody and not care anymore. because i know i'm not doing this for myself. it's what everybody tells me "do it for yourself, prove them all wrong". but i really, honestly, truly do not give a shit.
i'll presume i'm not the only one going through this. i'll hope its a normal pre-exam phase. i'll wish it were a mentality i will have the fortunate luck to quickly snap out of. i'll try to not make such a mess out of life, stop making so many mistakes, try that little bit more (or even try at all).
but for now, i'll go on, watching life as an outsider.