Thursday, March 01, 2007

listening to: right where it belongs by nine inch nails.
feeling: inexovable.

free of belligerence, free of any more coursework, free to breathe for one day, if not more.

subsiding tempers, ebbing levels of anger within me - it appears as if i'm back. not one to be caught out though, i'd rather wait a few days before announcing the regaining of my old self (who was my old self?). settling and calming down once more, i've questioned this sudden and rapid change in moods, wondering whether it's the calm in the middle of the storm.

plus, on one hand, i'm getting the long awaited exemption... yet on the other, pressure is increasing. funny feeling, this is. yak yak yak, yadda yadda yadda - wouldn't it be cool if i were at a loss for words? always with an opinion on everything, just that she never expresses it all the time. or sometimes, she expresses it too much.

accomplishment of self-set goals (i will prove you wrong) and aided by music that soothes the soul, i've still ways to go but i think i'm getting there. i still attack those irks with a vehemence that can sometimes be a little too tiring, but hopefully one day i'll be able to channel that into a more productive area, incorporating it into my studies.

upcoming exams. parties needed to be planned. the party disguised as a prom? should i go or not? the organising of said party has turned into a battle for power, a show of leadership within my grade. who wants what, who doesn't like this, who is against that. a year ago, i'd be all up in the arguments raging away. one of the people close to yanking out another just-as-stubborn student's hair. no, now you'll find me quietly observing in the corner, bemused slightly at how out of it i've become. not that i'm saying it's a bad thing, mind you. life's become generally better in the past year, though it has been a bumpy road.

things to do, things to do. studying has and always will be on that list. a not so permanent member would be the typing up of more revision notes and reluctant studying for those orals next week. it's so close, too close. i've just got to stick it through and remain as bull-headed as i can be, which is a lot mind you. it's not all sweat and blood though, just think of the break i'm earning, the holidays, the chance to escape it all after these are done.

morale at an unstable and precarious level, i'm not doing it for myself anymore. you ruined this for me, you took away the fun. killjoy. grrrr~ and you. why are you all of a sudden trying to get back into my life? vanishing for a few months then parading your way back in, thinking its going to be flowers and sunshine. well its not. you'll just have to find that out the hard way. we're good though. it's that nonchalant quality we now possess.

i really have no idea what the fudge i'm on about. i suppose this is what you get when you've been so used to a certain level of stress and work every night, then have it suddenly all stop. completely. void in my life now? fxck no. it's a great thing, this no work. well, no coursework at least.

i want jell-o. the one with fruit bits in at the bottom, at the base.

i want to abolish animal abuse.

i want to save the world.

we can dream. we can dream, right? because what if this world i think i know is just an elaborate dream? where are the words i need to articulate everything. but at least i act out this bafflement in an elegantly insouciant manner.

now. where are those damned parents? they're out, yet again, and i want to sit by the tv with them, channel flicking til they throw the control at my head. it's a pretty big control - universal remote. fudge. that'd hurt. a lot. i am a master at stating the obvious, i've got breathtaking powers of deduction.

friend says he's going to get tattoo of name of girl who he's been with less than a year. i reply with an "uh oh. shit." because i am an amazing pillar of support and input. heh.