Saturday, April 08, 2006

feeling: indecisive.
listening to: clickclickboom by saliva.

welcome to the indecidable and frequently changing post. the ever-changing me.

so, i wrote once about love. my views, as have i, have changed. why do i talk about love? its an ineffable subject to me. i never have been in love but am waiting. volunteers, anyone? so who am i to judge it? why do we talk about it when most have never experienced it? we don't know anything about it. to know it is to experience it. its a taboo of our modern society. but then again, here i am again trying to be a smartass so whatever. we all have opinions, and mine, though they most likely will be reprimanded, are expressed here.

you all have judged me and to be honest, i've judged you too. we're all set into our own categories, whether it be by our own choosing or by other people. we'd like to think we're something we're not. we're liars, fakes. and we call ourselves something we're not. "rebels, renegades, different, weird" and even the growing popular "dork". amusing, is it not. its now cool to not be cool. if we're all weird as we say we are, then we aren't weird anymore, are we? we'd be basically saying we're normal? even if you truly do believe you are different and weird, there are over 3 billion people in the world and theres most likely going to be somebody just like you out there. we're also all trying to be unique, just like everyone else. im not saying that im any different and yes there are people out there who do not apply to this paragraph, but its the truth. i admit it. hell, im doing it right now; trying to be something im not.

deep thinking is "in" now too. why are we complicating our lives? sometimes simplicity is better. but here i am being a hypocrite. im a liar, am i lying about all this now? i'll leave you to dwell over that thought. mind-trip, is it not. deepthinking and procastination is not good for me yet i seem to always do it. just like some people out there, i have an opinion on everything. i just sometimes don't express it. ok, here i am. deep thinking, or so i like to think i am. hah, these thoughts aren't original, i bet. i've most likely been influenced to have these opinions. we all are. no copyrighting here, im afraid.

do you all sleep well at night knowing that half the people who you consider friends now, you shall most likely forget in 5 years time? its the way we are. live and die. remember and forget, whether we like it or not. everything will change for better or worse and we have no control over it. gets to you, doesnt it? we'd love to control our lives but we can't. everything around us affects it and there's nothing. we. can. do. its a hopeless case and we're all doomed, or so the scientists say. what will kill us is each other.

we've grown up too fast. we're all trying to act older and everythings upside down. we have older people trying to act younger, and younger people trying to act older. why do we kid ourselves? do we honestly think its good to be older? we, as a young generation, push our parents away and don't realise the pain&hurt we cause them. i should know, im one of these people. i want to do something before its too late though and i think im prepared to make the change and take a step back. not forth.

i am not random, as everybody likes to say they are. i'd like to think im random, but to be honest? im not. everything is connected in some way or another so its quite useless to say you're "random", isnt it. buy a pencil and you've killed some tree. you're the cause of its death.

no i am not being emotional, i am not being thoughtful. im just expressing my opinion. i don't know what has inspired me to write all this or who has inspired me to say all this. am i even inspired? im blank. i dont know why im even doing this. possibly a way to help me find myself, something i haven't done yet. i need to discover myself and im going to enjoy the journey through the process. every little up, every little down. the highest highs and the lowest lows.

we've been made to believe things by each other. its a huge cycle. the media influences us, yes. but has anybody ever thought about who influences the media people to do what they do and say what they say? its one big happy cycle. can you say brainwashed?

"theres beauty in everything and everyone. sometimes it just isn't seen." - an amazing quote that i find to be very true.

"quis custodiet ipsos custodes" meaning "who will guard the guards". an oh so true quote as well.

i wish i was smart like them. ;p no, really, i wish. haha. i also wish to see "too fast too furious: tokyo drift" i dont care if it sucks. im just going for the cars. gwahaha, so shallow, am i not. im too young to be smart though, i shouldn't be thinking these thoughts.

so, dear you
this is to you. i want to say this all to you but my pride stops me from saying it when you can instantly reply me such as face to face or online. yes, i am a coward, i know. and also it helps me think about whats to happen. i don't know if i did or are doing the right thing; cutting you out of my life. yes we had our fair share of ups and downs, more so than nought. im just not sure about anything to do with you anymore. we were blind, were we not. but i suppose its too late, isn't it. i just wish you all the luck i can wish and all the happiness i can give.

do you remember the night i had that nightmare and the first thing i thought of once i had woken up was you? you then called me and helped me breathe easy again. you made me feel safe.
do you remember the night when we were driving back to mine? she had passed out infront of the seats infront of us with them and we were at the back? i fell asleep against you that night, closing my eyes to the sight of the just rising sun, the still out stars.. and you.

those things are what stops me from being so sure of the choices im making. i just dont know. im at a loss, crossroad about it all. hesitant to do anything anymore. hesitant to say anything. should i really be giving up something that has made me smile so much before? then again, the past is past and they say we should move on. is this the case now? should i move on? can't somebody make this choice for me and save me all the trouble.

did you know that the night we fought, i was wearing your shirt? ironic, isn't it. life is full of little ironies like that. funny, isn't it? i don't think so. im not laughing, am i. i should never have gotten emotionally connected, i tell myself again and again never to do that yet i slipped up this time. we all make mistakes. the quiestion is: are you my mistake? or rather, am i yours? i guess we'll never know what could have been or could have happened. we'll see how life flows now, won't we and see if the choices i have made are the right ones, though i highly doubt that. but it'll never be the same, thats for sure. it never would have been; no matter what i chose.

regret
- verb (regretted, regretting) [with obj.] feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity): she immediately regretted her words [with clause] i always regretted that i never trained.
- used in polite formulas to express apology for or sadness over something bad or unpleasant: any inconvenience to readers is regretted [with clause] we regret that no tickets may be exchanged.
- archaic feel sorrow for the loss or absence of (something pleasant): my home, when shall i cease to regret you!

this hurts my brain. ;p hehe. or what little brain i have, if i have any, that is. okay, cynthia is here so im off. adios!

_dee xo*